WOUNDS

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the dentist to get a cavity filled. I was pretty upset with myself for letting the filling become a necessity, but nonetheless, it was a consequence of my negligent flossing, and I had to deal with the natural progression of the consequences that result from my actions. The filling was sore for about a week after the procedure, and was a constant reminder of the fact that never again would I neglect flossing because I didn’t want to go through (or pay for) that process again. My tooth, new filling and all, was still wounded though. I cared for this wound by not eating on the right side of my mouth. My body adjusted, the soreness subsided, and the wound healed.

Cuts, cavities, and bruises are all examples of wounds. Most of the time, the body can heal from wounds. Wounds of the heart weigh on a different scale, however. This fallen world that we live in is definitely no Eden; our hearts are subject to temptation, evil, hurt – in short, our hearts are subject to wounding. A wounded heart heals differently than a cavity or a bruise. The body heals physical wounds in miraculous ways, but what can heal abandonment? What about betrayal? Loneliness? Guilt? The only answer as to how to fully heal these wounds is the only thing able to wipe away and effectively heal the wound (AKA sin) that separates us from God, and that is the true presence of Jesus Christ.

I’d like to share a few of the wounds that my own heart has dealt with, and more importantly, how Jesus has healed them:

LONELINESS | The biggest part of my personal story. I’ve spoken about it on here before, and if you’ve listened to any part of my story, you know that this is the biggest wound that I carry and what God has used to mold me into exactly who I am today. My home growing up was wonderful, and nothing less than that. I had two parents and a brother who were (and still are) all blessed with good health, and love for one another. The environment was warm, it was inviting, it was home. You’d have to be someone who has struggled with living in the prison of a lonely heart to understand that no matter the environment you are placed in, there is a deeply engrained sense of loss and abandonment that there is no explanation for. What heals such a phenomenon? For me, it took until I was finished with college. Again, there was never anything wrong with me or with my family that caused me to feel this way. I had and still have a happy life full of laughter and friendship, but my soul that thirsted for a drink from the spiritual well of life juxtaposed with a circle of friends not walking closely with Jesus often left me alone on a Friday or Saturday night. At the time, I wondered what was wrong with me, knowing that I was willingly setting myself aside, but feeling like I fit in fine in grade school. There was always an inherent sense of discomfort when I was around friends outside of the safety net of a classroom. The issue: self-confidence. I had none. I had no reason to not be confident, but I didn’t know how to do so, even through most of college. People that know me often don’t believe me when I share this fact with them, but it’s so true. I thank God that even though I was not actively pursuing a relationship with Him as closely as I am today, I still had a thirst and a hunger for more of Him. Once I began to feed my soul with His words and His truth, there was a radical difference in my self-worth, and my confidence, and effectively, my loneliness. I found myself no longer being afraid of people, of my differences with them, and of my ability to interact. I felt worthy of relationship and friendship. I learned that my loneliness was self-inflicted. What caused this difference? I finally took to heart what Jesus says about me directly in Scripture.

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.“

Philippians 4:6-7

“he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will,”

Ephesians 1:5

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.“

Genesis 1:27

I have no reason to be anxious. I am a child of God, chosen by Him. I was created in His image. Why would I let lies of Satan prevent me from fellowship with people? My deep wound of loneliness was healed through the presence of Jesus in my heart, and through absorbing what He specifically says in Scripture.

FINDING AFFIRMATION IN PEOPLE | Being a people pleaser is one of the most mentally exhausting burdens that any believer can carry. It is something that is so deeply engrained within my soul that I will serve others to a fault and detriment to my own health, spiritual or physical. It does bring me joy to serve people. There is, however, a limit. I may not always be the first to volunteer for a job, or to work the hardest, but doing something so someone else doesn’t have to brings inherent joy to my soul. Finding the fine line between doing this in a healthy way and being an unhealthy people pleaser has been something that has wounded my heart substantially. Lesson number 1: People are always going to let you down. It doesn’t matter if they are the holiest person that has ever walked this Earth, all people in this fallen world have sinned, will sin again, and will let you down. If you put your faith in people, you will fall with them. My soft, loving heart that longs for deep connection is sometimes careless with this, and I’ve learned the hard way that my trust goes not to people, but to Jesus. Lesson number 2: Worth as a person comes from Jesus. My worth cannot be affirmed by the quality of my relationships and friendships with others. This again, is a surefire way for letdown and heartbreak. My heart to serve, my desire for connection, and my (unintentional) expectation for that to be reciprocated in a way that matches what I pour out has let me down many times. One of my best friends posed the question to me, “What if people are trying as hard as they can?” Oh, how convicting this was. My job as a servant to Jesus is to pour out from His well, the one that does not run dry, and to not expect anything back. Expectations in general are nasty, and another way for letdown and heartbreak, but one thing I can thankfully expect is grace. I surely am not deserving of it, but thankfully Jesus offers it. When I finally made the transition from an approach that my affirmation came from how people respond to my outpouring, into one that is solely from my identity in Christ, it was a game changer to say the least. Jesus affirms me in all ways. I fall short of His standard, but He is gracious and merciful. My worth, my affirmation, comes from Him.

“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.“

Colossians 3:1-2

THE LACK OF MY “BEST MAN” | Definitely still figuring this one out, but I’d be foolish to not include it. Along with loneliness, and finding affirmation in people, this one is a bit of a combination of the two. All my life everyone around me seems to have their “person,” their best friend. I have had a wealth of really good friends in my days, some that I still keep up with, some that I don’t as much. But I have never had my one true “bro,” my future best man in my wedding. Even as I write this, I feel a sense of shame and embarrassment for feeling this way, but it is part of my story. Attempts to connect with people have been met with an abundance of abandonment, betrayal, disregarding, and hurt. I’ve been hurt. Largely at my own fault and expense, but even recently as in actual betrayal and blatant disregard for effort that I was relentlessly pouring out. My heart longs for someone to keep me accountable, for the bro that I can call up to fish randomly, for that person. This has led to vulnerability, and too much of it. Especially when words shared and promises made don’t measure up to actions in the least bit. I include this because God has healed this wound in a different way. The first two were processes of their own, but this one is one that had to be learned by combining the two above. God is the ultimate pursuer in terms of relationship. No matter how much effort I put out, man in this fallen world, will always let me down. Why not focus my pursuit on my relationship with Jesus, and let Him include the people He intends to be in my life? There is such a bigger picture to aligning the will and longing of my heart with the will and longing of His. He wants relationship with me. This has also taught me that He pursues me relentlessly, and I let Him down. I am the bad friend to Jesus that people have been to me. Does He give up on me? No. But I also have to choose to meet Him somewhere. He gives me the tools and abundance of grace, love, and mercy to be able to meet Him in the middle – but that is my choice and my responsibility. Instead of reverting to a place of loneliness, and dissatisfaction from finding my affirmation in how people respond to me, Jesus has written on my heart that, again, my job is to pour out from His well that doesn’t run dry, and my worth and affirmation come from Him. As far as my best bro, that will come if it is His will. But without sounding cliché, communion with Christ and fellowship with Him are all that I need to sustain me. My job now is to keep being a light for Him, to keep pouring out, and to show the grace and mercy that I am shown when I am wronged.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.“

Proverbs 17:17

“Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.“

Romans 12:10

DEATH | This one is new. We lost my grandpa last month, and it was the first time that I had lost someone close to me. My Popo was my hero. He went through a long season in life where He was not by any means walking with Jesus; money for alcohol came before money for food for my mom and her sisters growing up, and they didn’t have much money. There came a point in his walk where he was faced with the choice to keep drinking, or to watch his grandchildren grow up. He chose life. Instead of a 30 year addiction, he chose life and got to see 32 extra years of life that most people in his situation don’t get. One does not go from that kind of dependency on alcohol for sustenance and just quit cold turkey without finding somewhere else to derive worth and purpose from. He found Jesus. His story isn’t perfect, like mine and yours, but his story is one of redemption. He was a good man, and I only ever knew him as a hero. Losing him was something that I dealt with better in the moment than how I envisioned my first experience with death to be like. Entering back into routine things that he is now no longer physically a part of has been the toughest transition for my heart. I find myself grieving slowly as little things remind me of his presence and legacy all day, every day. I loved that man, and I still do. Late last Fall, we had a scare where we almost lost him. Luckily he pulled through, and got to see one more Christmas, and a few more months amongst family. I was leaving the hospital to return back to work that evening, and I couldn’t help but follow the Spirit’s leading to go back and have the most important conversation with him that I would ever have. I never doubted his faith, but I also never asked what Jesus meant to him, and who He was to him. His answer still warms my heart and brings a smile to my face, even in his absence. I left that conversation knowing that when his time did come that I had nothing to worry about because I felt comfortable with his eternal security. That is why dealing with the time around his passing was painful and hard, but sweet in that I got to watch the process of him transitioning into a state that where he was preparing to meet Jesus face to face. We laughed, cried, and cried some more. God provided opportunity to speak words from the heart at his funeral, and I got to give glory to Him in telling the story of my Popo’s life and what an example of redemption it is. My pain has been plentiful, but instead of mourning, I find myself celebrating his life. I am grateful for that, but, death is still a wound. It is a heavy wound. I know that I’d be in a much different place had I not gone back to the hospital that night to have a simple yet profound conversation with him about his faith. His own words confirmed to me that he was eternally secure, and while yes that was selfishly ambitious, it also freed me up from a selfish desire to want to keep him here. I miss him daily, and am still grieving at his loss, but smile at knowing he is face to face with Jesus. How sweet that must be. He’s closer now than he has ever been. Thank you for your story, for your legacy, and for making me feel known and loved, Popo. You’ll always be my hero.

I would not have been able to pull through this wounding of the heart without the presence of Jesus. I would not have been able to do it without explicitly inviting Him in. Death always has a sting, but Jesus is the ultimate healer and redeemer. He has healed this wound.

“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.“

1 Thessalonians 4:13 

All of these things are what God has used to mold me. Funny thing is, one must realize for one’s self that sustenance comes from Christ, not from the world. It is one thing to know this and to believe it, but another to practice it and to be confident in it. Jesus heals our wounds. Until we invite Him in to do so, I would even argue that God is willing to let us be wounded in this fallen world until we come to a place of realization of how much we need Him. God shapes us through our wounds.

Invite Him in, so He can fully heal your wounds.

Jesus,

I pray for everyone that is going to read this. I pray that you’d press on their hearts what their own wounds are, and that you’d plant a desire for healing in them. I pray that that this desire for healing is rooted in You, and that you’d reveal to them places they need healing that they might be oblivious to. Jesus, you are our healer and you are our redeemer. Thank you for your mercy and grace. Thank you for showing me my wounds, and thank for your giving me words to write about what you have done in my life that I hope will spur people’s hunger for you. Please help me to be gracious to those who have wounded me, and allow me to be more like you and to shine your light. That light it bright, God, and thank you for the access you provide to it. This is a fallen world full of hurt and wounds, but you provide a way out, God. Thank you for your goodness and for your holiness. We need you.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.